Once self-love has been obtained, it can be a beautiful thing. Often a lack of self-love comes from childhood, trauma, or previous relationships, to discuss a few. When our childhood desires for love are not met, it often shows up in a lack of boundaries, seeking love through relationships, and codependency, to include many other things. Self-sabotage is often a subconscious sign of a lack of belief. The belief usually stems from the lack of confidence that you deserve good things, or you may tell yourself I need to earn love. In the movie Encanto, you can see this when Isabela tries to do many things because she doesn’t have a “special gift.” Isabela may subconsciously believe that to gain Abuela’s affection and admiration, she has to “earn” her love. That’s just one of the many ways that a lack of self-love can present. Then I need to “earn love” mentality is another sign that self-love may be something you should work on.
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I was so confident in my younger years, and I thought I was a whole person walking around. However, we all know that life is a consistent journey. I did not realize I struggled very hard with self-love, and it was evident in my relationships where I gave so much of myself, constantly not gaining much in return. Going after the unavailable guys thinking, “oh, I can change them.” Why? Why do we do this? Or it’s the family or friendships relationships where you’ve given so much of yourself. Whether time, money, or resources, only to find yourself depleted. It wasn’t until I started doing some self-discovery that I am learning and continuing to learn the cliche saying, “all the love you give to others would feel amazing if you gave that to yourself.” Here are several ways to identify a lack of self-love
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Self-sabotage
When something “good” comes along or something that you have desired for a long time, you sabotage that thing. Maybe you just got a new job you loved and wanted, but you start to procrastinate on deadlines, or perhaps it’s a relationship. You have met this person for whom you’ve done all the manifesting work. You’ve written your list and checked it twice. This person shows up in your life. You criticize, don’t put effort into this relationship, become emotionally unavailable (frequently due to fear), and ask yourself whether this is too good to be true. You subconsciously destroy the very thing you’ve worked so hard to obtain.
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Allowing Others to Cross your Boundaries
Ask yourself whether love is exhibited in relationships where your boundaries are not respected? Maybe you have established boundaries and can identify them very well, but it comes with many difficulties when it comes to implementing them. It often feels like those you allow into your life cross your boundaries, and you willingly will enable them to, but deep down, you feel anxiousness associated with these relationships.
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Negative self talk
I think many of us can be hard on ourselves. We seek perfection, especially when we need to earn love or lack the love ourselves. With a lack of self-love, we scrutinize the many things we do and beat ourselves up for making mistakes. Love often presents itself in the way that we talk to ourselves. Our thoughts are linked closely to doom thinking, and again the idea could surface as “I don’t deserve love.” We often seek perfection when perfection does not exist. You’re perfect as you are.
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Codependency
We find “intoxicating love” in intimate relationships. We surrender so much of ourselves and admire the person we are in a relationship with. We become so attached quickly. We become so engulfed in this person’s life that we may forget who we are. Or we again began to try and “fix” this person, only attracting trauma bonded relationships from a lack of healing.
God’s love is an example of how we should strive to love ourselves and others. 1 Corinthians 13:1-13 is the perfect example of God’s love. You’re divinely loved just for being you. I hope you know that.
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This workbook has been phenomenal in my self-love discovery. The tools in this book can be applied to both women and men who wish to increase their self-love.
I’m sending well wishes and love to you on your journey!
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